The Journey, Part I

I would say I am relatively self-aware. I feel that I am pretty much true to myself and truthful with others. I know, for example, that I over-commit to things. Learning to say "no" has been hard. Learning to delegate has been a lot easier.

So now I am in the place where I am trying to delegate responsibly so I can accomplish other stuff. Today I felt really good about how this could look long-term. I finally had a glimmer of a vision.

As I said last time, I have to have a roadmap - I need a contingency plan. I usually have a dozen parachutes or angles I can anticipate. Rebuilding all of those is tiring. Yet, ironically I am not sleeping, I just keep planning.

Although I know I want to push forward I have also doubted myself. Do I *really* want this? Should I just pack it in and get a "real" job?

Ultimately though, I have been trying to answer the relatively big - yet simple - question of "what do I want?"

It's literally keeping me up at nights thinking about it. The biggest danger of being self-employed is that pretty much everything is a possibility. I can do anything I want and however I think I should. So. Many. Choices.

And so I made some choices today. I called the accountant, got the payroll set up, dealt with marketing issues, and brought some new business up to the doorstep. It's all so exciting. Tomorrow is more of the same-but-different.

I can keep walking because I feel like I am at least holding the map. I have figured out how to fold it over to the right section and can see the road ahead. I don't know what's beyond the page fold but I am not ready to look yet.

And that's good enough for the moment.

Let's start at the very beginning

.... A "very good place to start."

I can handle do-overs. I have had a lot of them in my life. Most of them were of my own volition, though; I'd had a plan, and knowing the transition was coming gave me a springboard to make the transition relatively stress-free.

This time I had no warning.

I'd probably become steady and happy and was willing to put up with a lot. I was planning long term and trying to see the big picture. I don't like details. I can plan them in when I am goal-planning, but I hate executing them when everything is a mess. It's a result of bad planning. And I got caught with my pants down. I didn't know enough about my own business.

I am distressed. I don't know what to do next.

I didn't see myself being where I am and I have no idea how to plan for what has happened because I am still processing it. I cannot analyze my options because I don't have enough information.

What do I need to know? I don't even know.

I know I can operate a business because I can bring clients in the door. I am good at that, really good. But I am also bored with the work I am doing and would love some better challenges.

How do I take that on without sacrificing what I have built? How do I keep the parts of my job that I like and manage to delegate away the parts that make me crazy?

Stay tuned...